Professor Bainbridge...on law, politics, religion, culture & food

Best Exam Instructions Ever

It is that time of year again, when we have to drag out our old exam instructions and give them a quick wash and brush up. A friend sent along his new set, which I am considering adopting in toto:

Exam Instructions

1.  This is a Final Examination—Very Serious Business indeed, which will undoubtedly affect your entire future.  That’s why I’ve put these Very Official Looking Directions on the front cover.

2.  Do not panic. Stay calm at all times.

3.  Go ahead, compromise your anonymity; why would I care?  I grade blindly just to make the registrar happy.  Do you really think I’m sufficiently invested in your lives to play favorites?

4. This is an open book examination.  Use whatever materials you want.  They won’t help you, but you know that.  Of course, flipping through 100-page outlines, treatises, Gilberts, and nutshells does help the time pass.  Have you tried cross-tabbing your outline during a test yet? 

5. Feel free to make up facts if you like—the screwier the better.  Wacky abbreviations are fine, too, so long as they make me laugh.  Just do something, anything, to amuse me.  That said, be aware that nothing affects your final grade more adversely than jokes that make me cringe.

6. You can write or type.  I’d really, really (with sugar on top) like it if you typed—so I can spot how silly your answers are without expending too much effort.  If you do write, however, and happen to have sloppy handwriting, I might give you credit for brilliance that your answer in fact lacks.  (How do you think I got to be a professor; shhhh, don’t tell anyone!)

7.  As Polonius said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” So do as he said (and not, please dear God, as he did). 

8.  Whatever you do, don’t bother to ask the proctor any questions about the exam.  He’s just an undergraduate with a pulp novel who is, beneath his blank face, snickering at your misery.  I promise he’ll be of no help to you and will only waste your precious time. 

9.  Any questions that arise during the examination must be asked of the proctor.  Do not try to contract the instructor, as that could theoretically compromise your anonymity, which would prompt a nasty rebuke from the registrar, which is the thing your professor fears most in life.  But cf. Instruction #3, supra.

10.  I haven’t flunked anyone in a while.  I’m about due, I think.  But that’s neither here nor there.  Cf. Instruction #2.

11.  Closing line.  (*Circle your favorite*):  a) Good Luck! ; b) Godspeed!; c) May the Force be With You!; d) Have a Nice Vacation!; e) Hasta la Vista, Baby .  (Note:  This closing is nothing more than a pleasantry.  If everybody enjoyed good luck on the exam in this curved course, I’d be totally screwed.  You knew that, right?)

12.  You haven’t wasted precious exam time reading these instructions, have you?